 While cycling my brand new Sintesi Bromont (its was 1994) home from the bike shop, some chav shouts "wow, its a Raleigh Activator!" grrrrrr!!!
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 On the hills once a redsock said "They have bells on bikes where I come from"
My mate replied (predictably) "Go back there then,then I won't have stop for you!!"
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 Last winter a few of us were out & met some other riders. One of ours was moaning about squealing brakes so this lad says to him : "Take your bike home & put it in front of your TV, put Deliverance in the DVD player, press play & leave the room closing the door behind you. Come back after a couple of hours & the b4stard will never squeal again!"
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"Your bells not working", from walker and friend strolling down middle of a road Replied " I Think you'll find its your hearing aid thats at fault" 
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A walker said "No bikes allowed on the hills,£500 fine"
We pointed out the sign said "Wheeled Vehicles" then asked "would you fine someone with a pushchair?"
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When riding along the river bank one Sunday afternoon in Glasgow Green, I was asked by a young lady if I was "looking for business"
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Stew - maybe she was a representative of the yellow pages?
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 "Will you marry me".
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"This isn't a cycle path!" which was shouted by a woman throwing sticks for her dog when I suggested she keep it under control. Fair point. It was a bridleway. I pointed this out to her and received a very terse response about cycles not being allowed. I asked her husband if he enjoyed being married to someone so stupid and rode off on my merry way.
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 Only on Saturaday I recieved a volley of abuse from a fat kid whilst roadying thru a local village, something along the lines of 'f**king gay T**t'. So I spun round and rode up to the said boy, questioned his parentage and pointed out that if he had the drive and motivation to get his butt on a bike and not spend his time jerking off in front of his X-Box then maybe he wouldn't be such a fat little c**t!! Clearly giving cyclists a good name!!
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 Riding back through my local town a witty young chav yelled "Oi Lycra boy you look well bent" to which I replied that celibacy or homosexuality would be a better option than his fat fugly girlfriend.....
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 I was once told "You look like a fcuking nigger!" during a race in the Erskebirger mountains in Germany by a grizzly old woman. It wasn't until I finished the race and looked in a mirror that I realised that I looked like a B&W Minstrel from all the mud!
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 Not really heard much (apart from the haven't we been up this hill already!!!) Been attacked by an old woman with her walking stick when I was going down part of the Karrimor trail in Coed y Brenin!! She thought I was going too fast and I would run over her dog!!! I politely* told her (*did I f**k, she just hit me with a stick) that this was a bike trail and that the walking trail was elswhere, look for the fecking signs!!!
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 I was once told that I should learn to ride better, by my bikey friends when in the peaks.. oh.. IGMC (again)
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 I was told i should have lights on my bike after kicking the rear panel of a police car for pulling out, i pointed to the bright shining light on my handelbar and called him an idiot. i took his number and filled out a complaint form, he had to take a basic driver training program again.
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 " I want a stereo, I want a sunroof, I want comfy seats, I want electric windows and most of all I want a f***ing engine!" Mr Ridcully, whilst cycling uphill 
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He has a point
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*whispers* It was a very small hill!
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 A molehill?
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 Jimmy Hill
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