Mike Spence's birthday joke reminded me of a true story I heard whilst I was a student in Birmingham. It was about a friend of a friend who was in her early twenties at the time and lived on her own in a house in the Moseley area of the city. Apparently she had quite a good job and no time for a relationship. Anyway her parents, friends and family decided to organise a surprise birthday party for her at her house so in the afternoon while she was at work they went into her house (her parents had a key to let out her German Shepard dog while she was working) and started decorating the front room. She usually came home at around 6 to 6:30 in the evening so at around 5:30 they arranged for the party guests to come so everyone would be in place to say 'Surprise!' when she walked into her front room. Anyway by 6 everyone was in place and at around 6:15 they heard the front door being opened. Everyone was extremely quiet waiting for the big moment. They waited but at first the daughter didn't go straight into the front room so they waited a little more. After about fifteen minutes of waiting the guests starting getting a little restless and after 20 or 30 minutes they decided to see where she had got to. So very quietly they tip toed out of the front room into the kitchen where they found her on the floor naked covered in dog food with her dog licking it off her!
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I`m not a virgin." The husband replies, "That`s no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I`ve been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he`s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. "I`m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn`t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He`d come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes Over to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she says. "I`m still hungry so I was going to ring room service and order some food." "Tiger wouldn`t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He`d come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he`s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I`m calling Tiger Woods to find out what`s par for this hole !"
In an Birmingham Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the Buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him..
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Just heard on the News that two plane loads of volunteers from Liverpool have taken off from John Lennon Airport heading for Haiti to assist with the looting!
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