2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
I got a good woman- with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Austin Maxi, Bubblecars, palanquins or dressage ponies aren't the blues.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. In Richmond, Chobham or Pyrford they are just 'being a bit miffed' (although you can sing the blues if you're from Ripley). Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colours do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. fuchsia
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed d. the crossroads
Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons d. a health spa e. Belgium
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied. e. you can see the tears rolling down the sky
No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see / you have slight astigmatism. b. you're deaf c. you have a trust fund d. you are worried about negative equity
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues, or anything else come to that!
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine (do not define it, 'and my baby game me a passable case of Gevrey Chambertin' isn't the blues) b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink (although the jury is still out on brown and mild but it's not looking good) b. Any kosher wine for Passover c. Bacardi Breezer (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Big Time
17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning e. Cripple Clarence f. Hound Dog
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Jeremy will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
18. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) NB For some reason a last name of Bush with blues names produces a porn name (eg Tremblin' Cherry Bush'
19. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"
